nearly 4am so i wrote a poem.. sux but deal
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 11:46
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Slowdays
We bleed for those in need
http://www.slowdays.org/phpbb3/
nearly 4am so i wrote a poem.. sux but deal
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2006 15:15
it´s not that bad...
Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 10:15
Hmm I'm starting to like it quite a bit after third separate time reading it~
Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 14:35
Sure is a grower.
Posted: Wed Mar 08, 2006 14:51
A bit of work and...! You know how it goes. There is some grammatical discord that I would suggest cleaning up; the semantic discord, on the other hand, seems to serve a purpose (i.e. in conveying the frustration with lack of meaning in everyday life and its relation to knowledge and ideology), so I won't go into that...
...other than for the fact that in some instances the disagreeing lines make the poem seem too fragmented for what it is - rather cohesive. I realize it's meant to be a reflection of 4AM, a kind of shard, but it won't ruin the poem if you go through the wording and shape it up a little more.
All in all thumbs up. You can actually read and critique a poem of this quality which in itself is a seal of approval. Most often all you can say is "go back to the drawing board and practice some more."
If you decide to work on it, please keep the first version visible.
...other than for the fact that in some instances the disagreeing lines make the poem seem too fragmented for what it is - rather cohesive. I realize it's meant to be a reflection of 4AM, a kind of shard, but it won't ruin the poem if you go through the wording and shape it up a little more.
All in all thumbs up. You can actually read and critique a poem of this quality which in itself is a seal of approval. Most often all you can say is "go back to the drawing board and practice some more."
If you decide to work on it, please keep the first version visible.
Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 00:00
...whoa, Mort, whoa 